Extravagance Upon Extravagance.

Of course many of you will be (and depending on when you read this may already have) watching this year's Academy Awards. Now, as most of you, meaning the three people that read this, know, I love movies. I love watching them and I love reviewing them. Now, it's most of the stars that I just can't stand. There are so many things about the Academy Awards that bug, irritate, and infuriate me.

First, let's start off with E!'s coverage of the Red Carpet. Wait wait wait...we need to "cover" this? What happens? Okay, I am literally going to go over what exactly happens on the Red Carpet.

1. The people walk into the Kodak Theater.

Hold on...THAT'S IT! So we need a full day's worth of COVERAGE in order to COVER the people who are going in to the place where they are supposed to be going. Oh and don't worry, the most useless person on the planet, noted for his AMAZING hosting of American Idol (I didn't know that two dozen people and three judges and all the producers needed yet ANOTHER person), Ryan Seacrest, will ask such jaw-dropping questions as "So how long did it take you to get on this $250,000 dress? Ten minutes?" To which Ms. Whoeverthefuckitis will recall the ENTIRE day's events, none of which involve her doing anything for herself. But you know what, this is more important than, hmm, let's say I don't know, what the FUCK is going on in Iraq, or Darfur, or how about in our own backyards?

Oh, oh, then there is the "gift bag" that the stars receive as a LITTLE "Thank You" for going through so much. Thanks to some great work by some blogger I don't know, here's what you can find in this year's "Thank You":

For the third year in a row, the bag is weighted down with an amazing Canadian travel package:

-stays at the Opus Hotel in Vancouver and the Wickaninnish Inn in Tofino

-dinner at five restaurants: Elixir, West, Coast, Pointe, Shelter

-yoga sessions, spa treatments

-kayaking in Clayoquot Sound, a scenic flight to a remote lake

-and always my personal favorite: two Oxia Oxygen Personal Canisters Gaiam Gift Certificate ($500)

Signature Days Gift Certificate ($500) "Experiences range from kite-boarding and a ride on an America's Cup Sailboat to spa treatments, yoga, personal chefs and private dance lessons."

Krups XP4050 Premium Pump Espresso Machine and illy's Limited Edition Pistoletto Foundation Espresso Cup Collection (Value: $600)

Vonage, The VTech Expandable Broadband Phone System. (Value: $550)

Two Night Stay in a Suite at The Carlyle, A Rosewood Hotel in New York (Value: $2,300)

Frette cashmere leather trimmed Voyage travel blanket (Value: $1,495)

Firefly mobile phone for kids

The Cheese Impresario at-home artisanal cheese experience for six. These events celebrate fine American artisanal cheeses and wines. The gift certificates are hand-printed on an antique letterpress from the early 1800’s on fine Italian paper.

Moonstruck Chocolates: Twelve truffles within a custom hand-crafted Thai silk and teak wood box. (Value: $100+) This is the second year in the bag for this Portland, OR chocolatier.

The Loved Dog: Personal Training gift card, 3-night stay at Doggie Daycare, and a Luxury Dog Bed. Tamar Geller, a renowned life-coach for dogs and their people, will introduce dogs and their companions to her innovative methods for creating a better relationship.

Tara & Sons pearl and diamond necklace

Mr. Handyman gift certificate for one day of service Four-night stay in the Vera Wang Suite at Halekulani Hotel, Waikiki Beach, a signature treatment at the famed SpaHalekulani, dinner for two at La Mer at Halekulani

Cornelia Day Resort "Unlimited Card" (worth $2,500), includes a $500 facial, massages, a whole range of beauty products and an entire day of beauty treatments Dinner party in Morton's Private Boardroom at any of their 69 restaurants (Value: $1500) (this item is a constant in the bag)

Kay Unger vintage silk kimono ($500)

year’s supply of Manni olive oil

two nights (plus surfing lessons) at St. Regis Resort in Monarch Beach, CA ($5,700)

two nights (plus wine tasting) at Bernardus Lodge in Carmel Valley, CA ($2,500)

three nights at one of five Fairmont Hotel & Resorts ($2500)

A BRUGO Travel Mug (featuring the Perfect Temperature Zone)


But hey...don't worry...the country isn't in deficit or anything. And, no, what were you thinking? There's no hunger in America. You know it amazes me just how hypocritical these stars can be. Let's see...they are ALL anti-Bush, anti-Government, and yet, they suck up BILLIONS AND BILLIONS AND BILLIONS. Oh, I'm sorry, sorry our soldiers get paid fractions upon fractions of what you do and yet THEY are out serving their country, risking their lives every day. What's the best you can do? Brokeback Mountain. Oh, and I know, it was SO nice of you to donate money to Katrina funds. How about you take ALL OF THAT SHIT that I just listed, return it, and put the funds to Katrina. HMMM? If you are such generous people, then by all means, this should be easy. But obviously, celebrities are much better than "normal" human beings. They deserve it.

One final thought: the "Thanks" speeches from the winners. Do we really, REALLY, need to listen to your ENTIRE life story. Oh, and you need to thank absolutely everyone who didn't help on your journey. That's right, didn't. Why do you just thank your family, God, and say "You know what...it's been fun. Thanks." BUT NO!!

But it's ok...(I know this is a terrible rapper's quote, but he's a celebrity just the same)...George Bush hates black people...