Tag: You Die

Alright nation. You are amazing. I must say I have never been more impressed.

So I find myself perusing the Comcast news, and what do I find? Oh, probably the greatest article ever created. It explains how a school has banned tag, touch football, and all other "chase games." And guess who called for this? Well come on, guess. Give up? No, I'm sure you got the answer.

A parent.

Here's my message parents: HOLY SHIT. Back off, for God's sake! No seriously, for God's sake. I mean, he's got to be looking down on this, laughing hysterically. He's not going to find things like this funny anymore. And we want to keep Him happy don't we?

Now, I'm not sure if you're aware of the gravity of the situation, which, in this case, there exists almost none at all, but apparently this taboo game of Tag and all its encompassing forms (including the downright Satanic "freeze tag") has the potential to cause harm to children. So, instead of saying to the students "Hey, don't kill each other, but have fun because that is what recess in intended for in the first place, no seriously, it is, we mean it, seriously!" the school bans it altogether. And of course, you know why. Come on. What is the one reason that makes the world spin? The one thing that no one anywhere cannot afford, and I mean afford, to lose?

Ah, so. The point emerges. Money.

But anyway, back to my REAL point: parents. Parents need to back off. I mean holy shit, how many people have been seriously, SERIOUSLY harmed by Tag? Unless there is some unknown statistic that has not manifest itself to me (which of course, there seems to be for every argument), I am pretty sure Tag was one of the more innocent things about recess (as opposed to all out brawls, falling off of the top of the slide, getting kicked by other students, Red Rover [which I love]). So now kids, when you go out to recess, just run around. But hey, HEY! DO NOT CHASE EACH OTHER! HOLY SHIT DO NOT DO THAT! YOU COULD BE SERIOUSLY INJURED! OR DIE! THEN THE SCHOOL WOULD LOSE MONEY BECAUSE SOME INSANE PARENT WOULD DECIDE TO SUE THE SCHOOL AND WOULD PROBABLY WIN BECAUSE OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM IS DECLINING EVER TOO QUICKLY!

Oh yes, and of course, one of the parents made the comment that her child now feels "safer." Right. I'm supposed to assume that an elementary schooler (which by the way, if you weren't already aware, means a child, maybe yours, anywhere from first to sixth grade) really feels "safer" now that Tag has been altogether eliminated. Or, could that have been the parent saying that, ever vicariously overprotective as many parents are becoming? Maybe? No no...maybe?...no no no. No. No. Ha ha, no. No.

Alright, maybe a little bit...