Shields Up

You know what's really sad? That title reminds of when that pilot in Star Wars Episode I gets her ass raped (not literally...we throw around rape nowadays...kind of sad, yes) when they shoot her ship and she yells, "Shields Up!" and then dies. Pretty intense for a PG movie, eh?

Anyway, you may be wondering why I am writing. Is it because the Inauguration? Actually, no. That thing was covered to death anyway, let's be honest. Do I really need to know how long they cooked the pie and at what temperature it began to brown? I didn't think so. No what I'm really writing about is what I have been thinking about lately: why. Not why we're here (no one knows that...I hope). Not why I feel the need to write in here. Well actually that last one is almost a lie, but not quite. I have been wondering why we do what we do. What motivates many of our actions. I have come to the conclusion that a principal factor is vulnerability, or maybe more appropriately, the protection against vulnerability. Why don't you tell that person what you want to tell them? Why don't you step outside your box and try something new? Because you don't want to feel vulnerable. Now I'm using "you" more as a general term; I'm not singling you out because I know. I do it too.

I particularly like what The Joker said in The Dark Knight (yeah a lot of the quotes are overused I still love the frick out of that movie count the Scrubs Elliot "frick" reference). He said, and I quote, "You see, nobody panics when things go according to plan." And you know, he could not have been more right. When we know what is going to happen and at what time, we can begin building our defense to the unknown; we can begin protecting ourselves. But when things change, we tend to freak out. Even if it is a little change. When something happens out of order, out of the supposed "way" in which it was predetermined to happen, we tend to be afraid. What if things are different? What if things change?

And the thing that is weird, at least, to this observer, is that people have different levels of protection. Some people have a larger "comfort zone" (and I just vomited from using that term), and others have a smaller one. Is it because of the way we were brought up? Partly, of course. Everything has at least something to do with our upbringing and/or our parents (thanks Mom and Dad for the dangerously-close-to-albino-skin pigment and hair...yeah that's not upbringing but it's parents dammit). But I think that much of it is just our personality. We are who we are meant to be. And we act how we are meant to act.

And our actions are, in more instances than I had anticipated, motivated by protecting ourselves. Think about it. In the last, let's say, 3 days (always a good number...it has a beginning, middle, and end...see I DID have a reasoning), think of how many conversations you held some thought or feeling back because you knew saying it would force you to step out on a limb (or jounce the limb oh FUCK YOU A Separate Peace...some said that reference couldn't be done). Think of how many conversations you said something to protect your so-called "reputation," be that good or bad. Think of how many things you said because it would be easier, but not necessarily more right. Uh huh uh huh...even those of you who are sitting there, thinking, "Mike this is asinine I never do that I'm perfect," well, I think you have your answer right there. You can't even think of being vulnerable for fear that it might somehow lessen you as a person because you'd be vulnerable.

Now what brought this on? Sure there are forces, people, conversations I have dealt with recently that may have motivated this. But I also have dealt with more serious circumstances lately and know of people who are dealing with much more serious events as of now. To protect their dignity and their anonymity (am I even proving my own point go me!) I will not reveal any detailed information. But I see and I hear what some people have to deal with, and I know how afraid they must be. And it is because, for whatever reason they face, their lives, their very existence, is now vulnerable. Perhaps as humans we are not meant to be vulnerable, and we protect ourselves to protect our lives. But seeing, hearing, knowing what I now know some people go through on a daily basis (and yes I know I'm being incredibly vague but surely you can think of someone to which this applies), I now respect those people for protecting themselves, and moving on with their life, however short or, hopefully, long it will be.

For me, I know many, if not most of my actions are driven by this principle. Perhaps it has annoyed me as of late or perhaps I am upset with myself because I find this to be true; I don't know. But knowing what I now know, I feel as though I should lower my shields, per se, more than I usually do. Will I actually do this? Probably not (hey I wake up earlier than noon I can't get all serious until about then). But do I want to say more, to tell people more, to step just a little closer to the edge? Hell yes. And maybe you will too. Or not. It is your choice (do it, do it, do it...that's what she said...YES!).

So maybe you SHOULDN'T keep your love locked down...yes I did quote Kanye West...am I proud of it?

Maybe a little...