Put Down the DS and Take the iPod Headphones Out of Your Ears

So you can't really tell people to "put down the book" any more. I mean, let's be honest, who reads. And iPods...well...I mean...I guess you could have a Zune but ha ha ha I can't even finish that one (for more information on why an iPod is better than a Zune, see my never-going-to-happen-because-it's-a-total-waste-of-time post entitled "Why the Zune Bends Over and Takes It from the iPod...and Likes It"). Anyway, anyway, it is casually late at night and having looked at CNN.com for the first time today (hey I was at work!) I noticed this article starting off with "Obama Furious" which absolutely HAS to grab your attention because I didn't even know Obama had "mildly discomforted" in his repertoire. Moving on to the point of my interest, however. And here's where it gets interesting.

Apparently, and, now, you're gonna think this is SUPER hilarious, apparently, now, get ready to laugh (almost as much as you would watching Tim Allen make another flannel/Al's-Mom-is-fat joke/pun...remember I said ALMOST), so, allegedly, someone down there in Washington, those crazy boys down there, someone thought it would be absolutely reasonable and perfectly logical and not in the least bit weird, stupid, idiotic, borderline immoral, morbid, insensitive, or inane, to do a defense photo shoot in Manhattan using, now get this, LOW-FLYING PLANES. I know! Low-flying planes in New York! WHO DOES THAT?!

Oh, yes, of course, how could I forget AL-QAEDA.

Now first, before I get a bunch of liberal "oh please this was not Obama's fault and you know it" and conservative "WE LOVE YOU MIKE YOU ROCK MORE THAN LYNYRD SKYNYRD TAKING A DUMP ON NANCY PELOSI WHILE DRINKIN' JACK STRAIGHT WITH A SIDE OF GRAVY" let me preface this by saying I am not (at least directly) blaming or bashing Obama for this incident. I am under the impression that he was unaware of the mission (although he did appoint the guy who sanctioned the photo shoot, Caldera, but I KNOW Obama probably doesn't know about everything every one of his aides does I mean no president could) and I have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because, as far as I understand it, an educated and relatively intelligent human being.

However, and YES Family Guy strikes again because literally as I am writing this Peter has given me the perfect line: "DUH...DO YOU THINK SO?" I mean, how could anyone anyone ANYONE let this idea even get REMOTely close to "Yeah...that could work, maybe." So, in essence, the conversation had to break down something like this.

Caldera: So uh yeah, I was thinkin', just a freakin' shot in the dark, we do a random photo shoot of incredibly low-flying planes for the defense department.

Ok let's freeze it right here because THIS IS WHERE IT SHOULD OF STOPPED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

However, of course, it continued...which, to me, is unfathomable.

Idiot: Ok sounds like it could work...how big of planes would you like to use?

Caldera: I'm thinking 747's. Like big ones. Like ones that could cause serious damage to buildings if they were used in a terrorist-like manner.

Another Idiot: Well that's arousing. More importantly, WHERE would you like to conduct this increasingly-important photo shoot?

Caldera: Well I mean they filmed my favorite film, Maid in Manhattan, in, uh, where was it...where was Maid in MANHAttan filmed...damn it to hell...oh yeah Manhattan.

Yet Another Idiot: Manhattan? Hey John didn't something bad, something like pretty bad happen to New York not too long ago? Like...I'm thinking less than ten years ago.

John (who is, ironically, also an idiot): Um...no...no I don't think so NOPE...no definitely not. Not that I can remember, and thus, surely no Americans can remember.

Caldera: Alright well it's settled then. So, just so we're clear, we are going to do a photo shoot...of low-flying 747's, and I mean LOW-FLYING...over New York City. Oh yeah and should we tell anyone about this?

The Final Idiot: Oh absolutely not. And least of all the President of the United States.

Caldera: Fantastic.


And um...to be honest...if you cannot see what is wrong in that...I'm gonna use another Family Guy quote, "Hold that thought because when we get home I'm going to tell all of the things that are wrong about that statement"...and then...I mean, if you still don't see a problem, you need to put down the GODDAMN DS AND TAKE THE FUCKING IPOD HEADPHONES OUT OF YOUR EARS BECAUSE LISTEN TO ME...HOW INSANELY BAT-FUCKING (that's right...bat-fucking) STUPID CAN YOU BE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN? HONESTLY?! I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE NEW YORK ALREADY HAS/HAD TO DEAL WITH THE METS, THE GODZILLA REMAKE, THE KING KONG REMAKE, ELIOT SPITZER,

And oh yeah, that little event not 8 years ago that involved incredibly low-flying planes and was a Goddamn national tragedy.

I know Mr. Caldera, you're surprised. We did NOT forget. Incredible, right?!

For the record, using repeated caps infers A.) I did have caps lock on and it's sexy as hell and B.) I am actually physically angry.

No shit Sherlock...